December 2025 [8-14]
The Handmaid's Tale: S1, Surf Ninjas, Die Hard with a Vengeance, The Tree of Life, The Assistant
- The Handmaid’s Tale: S1 [2017] - 84
You know… I really wish science fiction would stay more the second word and less the first these days. It’s semi-hyperbolic to say that right now many things in the US resemble the coals that fuel the blaze of Margaret Atwood’s novel-turned-TV-show, The Handmaid’s Tale but, “semi” is getting harder and harder to spell by the day. If you’ve never read anything by Ms. Atwood, I cannot possibly recommend that you stop whatever garbage thing it is you’re doing and get to it loudly enough. Not only are the stories she tells truly and deeply fantastic [and scary], but her writing style is simply otherworldly, and comparable to absolutely none. I’d maybe call her the Cormac McCarthy of coherent storytelling [because no matter how much I love his writing… it is a little bonkers], but even that doesn’t emulate how effluviant her writing makes most everything else seem. Anyway, we’re talking about the adaptation here, not the book so… Go watch this if you haven’t. An 84 might seem low for this kind of praise, but my issues largely stem from the way the show changes some of the story-telling, not the story itself… And I know the issues are my own, more than things anyone else cares about. This show is damn good, features some of the best cinematography in all of television, and is absolutely worth your time. Paise be. #UnderHisEye
- Surf Ninjas [1993] - 44
Inspired by how much insane fun we had with Three Ninjas a few weeks ago, we decided to check out another 90’s almost-certainly-problematic-ninja-based-movie. And uh… God, Rob Schneider just sucks, man. This movie likely wasn’t very good despite him, but his performance took so much away from whatever enjoyment there was here that it’s difficult to talk about anything else. Where Three Ninjas was wholly insane and broken, it was also entirely genuine, and it was clear that everyone involved was having a better time than anything in that script should have allowed. Surf Ninjas, however, felt like the actors were all being paid by how many bit-jokes Schneider could fit into his all-too-long screentime, and only half the cast actually knew they were even filming a movie. It wasn’t boring necessarily, but it was only fun because we got to make fun of it. Skip.
- Die Hard with a Vengeance [1995] - 76
I’m only vaguely familiar with anything in this franchise — having only seen the first movie once… and maybe not even all the way through — so, when my buddy wanted to watch this one after learning some neato things about the production itself, I was fairly hesitant. However, upon agreeing, this is actually a pretty decent little heist-thriller. I can certainly see how it generates its wide gamut of online ratings [60-83 depending on where you look], but I found it to be mostly very fun, and goofy enough to keep me both engaged and entertained. I certainly don’t think this will make anyone’s “top 10”, but it’s far from deserving to be forgotten or loathed either. A solid anti-buddy cop movie, Die Hard with a Vengeance is a great way to spend a cold evening with friends while their cat works at stealing your girlfriend.
- The Tree of Life [2011] - 63
I can already hear my online reviews nemesis gasping as he sees that I didn’t absolutely love this movie… But I didn’t. The Tree of Life has a lot to adore in its ideas and visual presentation, but the execution of those ideas is so amorphous and unnecessarily fluid that the story underneath is easier to forget than it is to follow. This is one of those movies that “real” critics are sure to tell you is a masterpiece while sticking their noses up at anything you call “art”, but it’s also one of those movies that’s better in philosophical discussions from pontificous English teachers than it is actually watched. A beautiful film no doubt, there just isn’t much here in terms of coherent experience, and I think that ultimately takes a lot away from whatever strengths it has. That said, if you like this, I think David Lowrey’s The Green Knight will also be something you deeply enjoy, and I don’t mean that in a derogatory way.
- The Assistant [2019] - 90
2019’s The Assistant is one of those movies that’s difficult to watch because, though some viewers may be willing to call pieces of it “exaugurated”, its truths are anything but. A story about professional abuses and the culture of working-to-live, Kitty Green’s deeply disturbing drama-thriller is almost too relatable to be enjoyed for nearly anyone who’s ever worked anywhere. Led by an all-too-real Julia Garner, The Assistant is one of those films that blurs the line between “watching” and “living” in ways that might make some uncomfortable — A point driven home by the film’s hugely disparate online reviews [25%-93%], where it’s often dragged by its loudest detractors for exactly the same things its most fervent celebrants laude it for. The film is quiet but violent, soft but suffocating, and mundane but utterly devastating all within a cool 87-minute runtime, and I do [don’t] recommend anyone and everyone make some time for this great [awful] ride.
I absolutely love-hated this one and will certainly be chewing through Ms. Green’s portfolio very soon.
